She has decided my inability to posses a degree of fidelity will never change. Basically, I’m just a dog.

I love her and always will. And it’s a shame a relationship so strong came down to my laziness and horniness. Things I could have changed.

It’s not her fault. She’s only doing what any logical person should do. Ignoring what we have, and how much greater it is than any other typical love is part of that.

I’m glad for this blog. It was a great outlet. And I’m sad to see her go. I was hoping this page would end with me getting the girl.

It did not.

Goodbye.

I don’t think I’m a sex addict, but I know that I didn’t want to sleep with the girl in my better judgement. It was just the ‘nut’. “If I could just ejaculate, it’ll all be fine, everything will work out” I say. “no! no! trust!” they say to me, those little monsters in my head. But I lay there. And as soon as I’m spent… It’s just like all the other times…

First the fear. I’m scared. Because I know she knows. She can feel it happening. Feels filthy. Feels painful. Feels sad. I hate it more than you know. Then shame, because I can’t keep a promise to her or myself even. No self control. And guilt comes in last dragging it’s heavy feet. Stomping all over my brain and making a racket you wouldn’t believe. So I snuff him out. I have to ignore him? But I can’t get rid of him. Ever.

It used to be you could never start a sentence with “But”.

But here I am.

But it’s not my fault.

But she wasn’t giving it to me.

But,

I’m sorry. Give me ONE more chance?

I’m starting to think I don’t know how to count.

And my sympathy for her position won’t save me anymore.

I’ll look at my new wife and kids and think, “It was supposed to be her” and wonder how I could find new love all the same.

She keeps me waiting. Waiting for something I don’t even know that waiting for.

So, if it’s over, then let’s let it die. She doesn’t act the same anymore. She likes other things and people and she doesn’t pine for me the way she did in the past. Emails go unaswered, phone calls become annoyances, and visits become burdens. And I don’t think she’s coming back.

I’ve been trying to have faith in her. But her words and actions are very different.

Do I have to wait for everything I want in my life?

No updates lately I know. Two reasons. Things are good between us. That keeps the bitter posts at bay. It seems these days when things start to fall apart, we seem to work harder trying to keep them together. To keep the peace between us. And that offers me quite a bit of hope. The second reason is that I was away DJing in Canada.

I figured something out a few weeks back there in November… There was a girl. She was flirting with me. I flirted back. I was drunk. So was she. But it didn’t get past conversation and eye batting at the bar. She wanted me to take her home. She was young and dumb, and I had unfortunately been down that road in recent months. I knew what I was heading towards, and she wanted me, and I wanted to put my lust in her. I knew this. And in the past, for all of my indiscretons, I would justfy my infidelity. And even when there was none, I would congratulate myself for doing the very things I should be doing anyways. Congratulate myself for not cheating.

But I think I’m wiser. I took a turn. But that night, the lust had built up so much inside of me. Knowing I could do this thing with nobody knowing. Without feeling any emotions whatsoever, without caring what her name was and if she even had a face worth measure. I slipped away when she wasn’t looking and went back to the DJ booth. I know I laughed at a sex joke, I know I certainly made one. I’m sure she thought I was taking her away that night.

But for me, being who I am… Knowing what I’m capable of, it was too much. So I sent my love a text. I yelled at her, I wrote a blog filled with pain and despair and I was just hurt. It was guilt. It was a reminder that my infidelity within our marriage had led us here. To this place where we fought and argued. I was reminded of all that I almost lost for the sake of lust. And I think I finally got a breakthrough. My guilt and my mistrust… It’s all in me. And as I live righteously, my trust and faith in her grows. I yelled at her. But in most ways, I was chewing myself out.

I woke up the next day, and it all came together. And I feel like that was a big moment for me. A moment of exsercising restraint the previous evening, and a moment of release the next day. Release and realization that I had let go the last bit of resentment I had towards her for moving out. Our relationship wasn’t working. She needed to take this new job. She needed to move on. I mean. How did I miss it? I blamed her for all of my failings and misgivings. And it tore us apart. She has failings no doubt, and I know she’s working to make herself the woman I need her to be, just as I’m trying for her.

So it’s important now for me to trust myself. To trust that I will still love her in time. To trust that I won’t lay with another. And when I trust myself. I trust her. It’s that simple.

She resented for me being a financial burden. For carrying me. I resented her for not having to struggle like I do. And it’s still contentious. When she goes out, and has a great time, I worry for fidelity. I worry for her safety. But I know that those things stem from my unbridled jealousy. Of the city. Of her not having to worry about money like I do. Sure, it’s not like she’s not working and making money will nilly, but she’s certainly not wondering if the promoter at the club is actually going to cut the cheque. I’m living hand to mouth. And I want to make enough money to buy a place in Spike Lee county and make it so that she doesn’t have to work anymore unless she wants to. She can take her time to figure out what she wants. And when she wants it. I want to be able to provide that for her. But I can’t. And it makes sitting here waiting for it all to change even harder.

We all need money. For whatever reason. It’s funny though, I need money to be near her, but loving her is free. Shouldn’t love be enough? I just don’t think it is…

1:21am

Still. Shivering and twitching… I’m not ready for this.. This was far too early. My heart and my mind are racing and my palms are sweaty. I’m speaking with him. I have never known rage like this before. I swear to God, I’ve never known anything like this feeling before.

1:28

All of his emotional bullshit I don’t want to hear. Just APOLOGIZE. I’m NOT ready to be his friend and counsel him through sad times. I WANT CONTRITION!!!!!!

1:35

He apologized. Sincerely. And I told him.. I want nothing more than for her to be happy. And if that means them being friends and speaking again, then so be it. All I can do is trust her. Trust that she is honest when she says she doesn’t love him. Trust that opening the doors to friendship won’t lead to something more with them.

1:47am

That’s it. It’s over. The attempt at peace? I don’t know why. But I want to fly, and all of this just weighs me down. I don’t feel better. At least not yet.

1:54am.

Here’s the thing. Whether or not she takes me back, I’m not going anywhere. I’m never moving. I’ll be the rock, the island, the solace, the whatever Simon & Garfunkel sing about.

I’ll be the man she can’t get rid of. I’m never letting her go. I know there are things about me she hates. But that’s who I am. And I thank God that I am much more important to her than akward dinner time prayers and loud, blue jokes.

I am the man she wants. Whether or not she knows it, or is willing to accept it. I’m here. And for all of my future girlfriends and ex-wives, I’m sorry. I love this woman. I always will. And I will chase her love and adoration till the day I die. Because out of the few things I want in this world, her respect, her adoration and her love are the utmost.

It was always her.
-Me

Addendum:
I looked to the other girls just like her, but the hair and skin were just veils. She is heads and shoulders beyond. She is my wife. And whatever it takes…….. Whatever.

It’s not about just missing her. It’s about wanting to complete my life. Without her, I feel independent, free, totally myself. But I’m willing to sacrifice my lame jokes and loud mouth just to be with her.

At this point, this just feels like slow torture. And I can’t wait for it to be over.

But today I woke up and realized that I do love her, but I’m so mad. I’m hurt, and I’m empty without her. How do we get over cheating? How do we get over laying with others? How? I really don’t know.

That’s not my point though… I was just thinking about how I was ready to be mad at her today. Ready to give her a hard time today for being gone. Because I miss her so much, my right rib, that I take out my frustrations about her, ON her. So instead of being mad at her today, I’ll try to deal and make the best of it all. There really is no best, but I gotta do something other than feel like crap, so here I am. Not ready to deal, but forced to. And if it makes her happier, I guess that’s what I gotta do.